


Good Vibrations

by stargatefan_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-31
Updated: 2013-12-31
Packaged: 2018-10-07 04:01:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10351830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargatefan_archivist/pseuds/stargatefan_archivist
Summary: SPOILERS: Point of No Return (sorta, kinda, maybe?)WARNINGS: Mild languageUh, bad day, maybe?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

Good Vibrations

##  Good Vibrations

##### Written by PHO   


  


"This will not do." Teal'c rose stiffly from the bed and faced O'Neill. "Are there any others?" 

"Just look around, Teal'c, the whole damn building's nothing but beds." 

"May I help you... gentlemen?" The salesman smiled at what he hoped would be a nice sale. The man trying out the various mattresses was too large to be comfortable on a single bed. He'd have to go with a full size at minimum. With careful handling, he might be able to get him to buy a queen size. 

"My friend's looking for a new bed. He wants the works." 

"I do not wish 'the works,' O'Neill, I have come to purchase a bed, not a sandwich." 

The salesman's mouth snapped shut as he stared warily at the oddly dressed men. The heavyset black man was dressed in dark leather pants, with a cream-colored button-down shirt. The leather biker's cap looked more appropriate to the fifty's than the current fashion. The gray-haired man was dressed in tight-fitting jeans and a Bulls sweatshirt. 

"That's not what I meant T..." Jack's voice faded away as he glanced at the bemused salesman. "My friend's not from this country." 

Looking positively enlightened, the salesman returned his attention to Teal'c. "Oh, I see. What kind of beds do you sleep on where you come from?" 

"On Chulak, we sleep on the floor." 

"That's 'in Chulak,' T, not 'on Chulak.'" Jack covered quickly, thinking -- not for the first time -- that this shopping trip had been a mistake. 

"I believe that Daniel Jackson would disagree, O'Neill." 

"Well, Daniel's not here, is he, uh, T?" 

"He is not." 

The salesman winced inwardly, wondering if he really wanted this sale, but he was low this week and could use the commission. "So, just what size bed were you looking for?" Seeing the bemused expression, he added quickly, "I mean full --" 

"I do not wish a partial bed." 

"No, no, T, that's a size. It's about twice the size of the one you have now." 

"I see. Are there other sizes?" 

"The next size up is a queen." 

Teal'c's eyebrow disappeared up his forehead and the salesman hurriedly amended, "And the next size after that is a king." 

" _That_ will be sufficient. I will see them now." 

Jack stood stunned at the pronouncement. Sneaking a full-size bed into the SGC would have been difficult enough, but a king? Okay, maybe if he bribed Madlin in shipping to look the other way. Glancing up, he realized that Teal'c and the salesman were halfway across the showroom floor looking at a mahogany four-poster bed, and the accompanying furniture. "SHIT! No way, Jose!" Jack raced to catch up with the pair just in time to hear Teal'c ask a question. 

"Does the bed move?" 

"No. The bed frame's made of the finest wood. There will be no movement from this frame." The salesman slapped the headboard with his palm. 

"Then it will not do." 

This time both Jack and the salesman stared at the Jaffa. The salesman recovered first. "I'm not certain I understand." 

"I wish a bed which moves." 

"Uh, T, I..." Jack was totally confused. "Moves?" 

"Yes, O'Neill. Like the bed we enjoyed in Wyoming. When we were with Marty." 

The salesman smiled a knowing smile. "I see." 

Jack yelped quickly. "No, no you don't see." 

"It's all right, sir. I understand the situation. Your 'friend'..." 

Jack cringed at the emphasis on friend. 

"... wishes a vibrating bed." The salesman's smile widened as Jack's face went red. "Perfectly understandable... under the circumstances, sir." 

"There are _no_ circumstances." 

The emphasis on 'no' was ignored by the salesman. "Yes, sir. Will you be trying out the bed as well, sir?" 

"NO! He will, just him. By himself." Jack struggled to calm himself. "I mean, the bed is for T, not me." 

"What about... Marty?" The salesman smirked at Jack as he spoke. 

"Marty is no longer with us." Teal'c replied calmly leaving Jack gasping with horror. 

"Oh. I'm very sorry to hear that, sir." 

"No, no. Marty was never with us!" Jack's hasty denial was met with a frown by the salesman. 

Teal'c also frowned. "Marty was with us in Wyoming, O'Neill. In the hotel with the moving bed." Turning back to the salesman, he inquired, "Do you have such a bed?" 

Sadly the clerk responded, "No, not in stock. But I can special order a king-sized vibrating bed with tall, sturdy bedposts." 

"No, we...I mean, he doesn't need posts." Jack interjected quickly. 

"On the contrary, O'Neil, I would enjoy the posts very much." Teal'c threw a puzzled look at the SGC colonel. 

"Well, sir?" The salesman looked impatiently at Jack. 

The colonel moaned inwardly. "Fine. Posts. Get posts. Lotsa posts. And vibrations. Lotsa good vibrations." 

"I'll go write up the order." The salesman smiled another knowing smile. "I'm sure you will both be very... satisfied." With that the man moved to a computer terminal and began happily keying in the order. Glancing up, he asked, "Shall we deliver the bed or will you pick it up?" 

"Deliver." Teal'c responded. 

"Negative on that. We'll pick it up." 

"O'Neill, I do not wish to carr--" 

"I'll get a truck, T." 

The Jaffa tilted his head as he agreed to the colonel's request. "As you wish, O'Neill." 

The price was more than Jack expected. Gasping, he started to argue, when Teal'c placed a restraining hand on his arm. "It is all right, O'Neill. I received payment last night." With that, Teal'c handed the now obviously smirking salesman a wad of bills, which covered the cost of the bed and then some. 

Jack wasted no time in dragging Teal'c from the store. "Teal'c, we've gotta talk." 

"Indeed, O'Neill. I do not believe the bedclothes at the SGC will fit on this bed. Where must we go to purchase them?" 

" _Nowhere!_ " Jack's sudden yelp turned heads on the sidewalk. "We, uh, Carter will buy those. That's right. Carter." 

"I see. Does Major Carter buy your bedclothes, O'Neill?" 

"What? Oh, no! No, but she's buying yours." 

"I see. Will Major Carter be interested in trying this moving bed, O'Neill?" 

"You'll have to ask her." 

"I see. O'Neill?" 

Jack sighed. "What Teal'c?" 

"How will I get the quarters to run the bed?" 

"Oh. This one won't need quarters. It'll just have an on and off switch, or something." 

"That will be much better than the one we had in Wyoming." 

"Ya think?" 

**~ The End ~**

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>   
>  © September 24, 2000 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.  
> 

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**Author's Note:** I got bored. This is what happened next. I should really try not to get bored.. 

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